Roe v. Boop

I was thinking a little more about the last volume of Betty Boop and it occurs to me that Betty Boop's Big Boss holds the key to some essential problems in gender relations. Betty is looking for work (and remember this is 1933 in the midst of the Great Depression). Hundreds of people crowd the office for this one job, not because they really want to work in the top floor office but just because any job is a job when you're in the middle of the Great Depression. So Betty has to compete with hundreds of people and even if she did have all the requisite skills it's likely she would have used whatever else she could to get the job. It's a dog eat dog world. So Betty declares that while she can't type or take dictation she has other skills that might come in handy like not judging a book by its cover, or in other words she can look past the fact that you're old bald and fat, sugar-daddy. Of course she gets the job. She practically prostitutes herself to get it. Once she gets it she doesn't prove herself to be incompetent, but the boss figures he might as well cash the check on her. This is sexual harassment at the least, and pretty soon crosses the line into sexual assault. It doesn't matter what she implied about her willingness to perform extracurricular activities earlier she clearly didn't give any green light to be taken advantage of anytime and anywhere. So she calls the police and they call the Army, Navy and the Air Corps to save her. In the meantime, we skip the step where Betty willingly starts making out the boss. Presumably they've come to an understanding, resolved their earlier issues and are now engaged in a consensual relationship. On the optimistic side we can say that Betty wasn't lying when she was flirting but that she just expected a little more in the way of a lead-up, like, say, dinner and a movie and some other things. On the more pessimistic side we can say that Betty can't afford to lose her job because of a simple matter of boorishness so maybe she'll do what it takes to clear up the matter and keep her job even if it means making out with the guy she just called the cops on. At any rate, it's not a very happy representation of life and relationships and the economy of need.

At any rate, we're ready now for Volume 2, which for the most part features later Betty.

Vol. 2
1. She Wronged Him Right (1933/1934)
Directed by Dave Fleischer, Animated by Roland Crandall and Thomas Johnson

This play is presented for your complete relaxation--if you feel like hissing the villain go to it--it's O.K. with us.
The Managment

Get ready for the metatheatrical. Betty is appearing in the Tanktown Theatre's production of She Wronged Him Right, so we're watching an audience watching Betty in a play where Betty's farm (why does urban Betty always own a farm?) is threatened with foreclosure by the moustache-twirling villain Heeza Rat. The scene design for the play is pretty good, but the play and the acting are terrible. (And it's a...musical!) In true musical melodramatic form Betty is rescued by Fearles Fred of Fearless Fred's Lumber Company. Be sure to take a drink everytime Heeza Rat says "Curses!" When the play is over so is the cartoon, so basically what you just saw was a play within a play.

2. Betty Boop and Grampy (1935)
Directed by Dave Fleischer, Animated by David Tendlar and Charles Hastings

This cartoon highlights the strange relationship of Betty and Grampy. Betty is cleaning up her house (Say what you will about Betty Boop, but she's no freeloading Daisy Buchanan floozy. She's a a working independent middle class woman.) when she gets an invitation to a party from Grampy. So Betty sings her way to Grampy's house bringing with her the entire neighborhood, including a fireman who leaves a fire to join in the procession and a cop who stops directing traffic to come along. Grampy is an elderly inventor who has rigged up all kinds of bizarre inventions to entertain his guests (and himself) including a chandelier that doubles as a punchbowl. When Betty asks for some music Grampy rigs up some household items into an automated band that plays the "Tiger Rag" and everyone dances until they drop. Now, I know it's possible to imagine that Grampy is a relation of Betty's (hence the affection) but when you take into account other pairings I think it's actually a little bit of a May-December relationship. I mean, Betty is clearly not seeing anyone else and she is really excited to head over to Grampy's and when she gets there she only dances with Grampy. Maybe Betty has a thing for older men, or maybe it's just that Grampy is so cool.
At any rate, a clip from this cartoon can be spotted in the opening credits of one of my favorite Futurama episodes, "Hell is Other Robots."

3. Minnie the Moocher (1932)
Directed by Dave Fleischer, Animated by Willard Bowsky and Ralph Somerville

This Talkartoon is the highlight of the whole set. The live action segment at the beginning is the earliest known film footage of Cab Calloway and you don't have to love The Blues Brothers to think this is cool. Man, that cat can hoof!
So, in this cartoon Betty won't eat her dinner so her parents (who are immigrants) yell at her. It's nothing terribly abusive, but it does make her cry and sing "Mean to Me" and resolve to run away from home.

Dear Ma & Pa--I'm leaving Home because you're not so Sweet to me. I won't ever by Home again.
Betty

Betty calls her pal Bimbo and they run off together. They walk into a cave where a ghost walrus (rotoscoped from Cab Calloway) and some liquored up dancing skeletons sing Minnie the Moocher. Oh, you read that right: Ghost Walrus Cab Calloway and some ghosts dance around, perform a mock triple electric chair execution and sing Minnie the Moocher. Then the ghosts chase Betty and Bimbo all the aay back home where Betty hides under the covers and her previous note is torn into pieces leaving just the phrase "Home Sweet Home." The only thing I regret about this cartoon is that it wasn't about 20 minutes longer with a lot more he-de-he-de-he-de-he and whatnot. That, and unlike The Old Man of the Mountain, this one doesn't have Betty singing along or doing much of anything other than clinging to Bimbo in the corner while the ghosts do their thing. But, don't get me wrong, I'm not disappointed because I will say it again: Ghost Walrus Cab Calloway. Watch this cartoon now!

4. Musical Mountaineers (1939)
Directed by Dave Fleischer, Animated by Thomas Johnson and Harold Walker

This is one of the last Betty Boop cartoons ever. (This lack of chronological order in the set drives me a little crazy.)
Betty (voiced here by Margie Hines) is driving her roadster through the countryside when she runs out gas in hillbilly territory. You know it's hillbilly territory on account of the sign that warns Hatfields to stay on their side of the property line. Betty's driving outfit (yes, I'm about to make a comment about fashion, but that doesn't mean I'm about to sit through a Sex and the City marathon) makes her look like a proto-Rosie the Riveter. In fact, she looks a bit taller and more proportional in this animation (though her head IS still as wide as her shoulders).
Betty's car backfiring causes Zonk Peters and his kin to think there's a hatfield attack under way and they get armed (including turning their plow into a tank--apparently the Transformers were invented in West Virginia.). When Betty shows up at the doorstep they shoot at her feet to make her dance and are so impressed with her hoofing that they break into a jug band routine that would make the Country Bears proud. The toothless bumpkins are kind enough to give Betty a jug of Corn Drip'ns to get her car started again and she drives away.
Yep, it was May 1939 and just before the world went to hell in a handbasket this is what people were watching.

5. Stop That Noise (1935)
Directed by Dave Fleischer, Animated by Edward Nolan and Myron Waldman

This cartoon is a classic "grass is always greener" story. Betty (in her classy white pajamas) can't sleep because of all the noise from the construction and elevated trains. So she packs up and moves to the coutnry where she lays back in a hammock to read a book and enjoy the bucolic charm. Her idyll is immediately interrupted by an impossibly loud row of ducks and then a bizarre colloquium of bugs who make noise aand tear apart her copy of "The Spider--"Caught In His Own Web" and then engage in a full out onslaught on the poor urbanite. Finally, when she can't take it anymore she races back to her car and moves back to the city where the hum of industry and activity puts her to sleep. The moral of the story is: city people belong in the city and shouldn't seek refuge in the country, which isn't there merely to provide a getaway for the urban population but is actually a place of rural activity that must be taken on its own terms.
Okay, maybe that's too long for a lesson. Maybe the only lesson is that despite having near constant access to rural property, Betty Boop is a city girl when it comes down to it, or at the very least a proto-suburban woman.

6. Swat The Fly (1935)
Directed by Dave Fleischer, Animated by David Tendlar and Samuel Stimson

Betty is home baking a cake while her cute pooch Pudgy is napping when they are bothered by a fly. Mayhem ensues as Pudgy chases the fly and Betty hurls cake batter all over the house trying to hit the unwanted guest. Despite wrecking her kitchen and covering the whole room with cake batter the fly still manages to escape, even as Betty and Pudgy think the mission is accomplished. (Another lesson in counterinsurgency: Don't waste all your cake batter on a small target.)

7. Betty Boop and The Little King (1936)
Directed by Dave Fleischer, Animated by Myron Waldman and Hicks Lokey

This cartoon features a crossover appearance by Otto Soglow's Little King, a cartoon character that first appeared in the New Yorker in 1931 and ran in King Features Syndicate newspapers until Soglow's death in 1975. I don't know much about the Little King, but clearly he had a following.

So, the Little King and his big queen are watching a special performance at the opera by a singer with a giant chest. She is so awful that the Little King escapes from the royal box (if you will) and waddles down the street to where he sees a sign for Betty Boop at the Vaudeville theatre where Betty is doing some sort of wild west show. I can see why this would be more entertaining than the opera. (The Little King has a bit of an Elmer Fudd accent, which is weird.) Anyhow, the Little King is so excited that he joins Betty on stage to perform with her. When the queen finally notices the Little King's absenve all hell breaks loose and she heads into the theater with the guards to drag the king back. As they drive off in the royal carriage the king continues to hold Betty's hand as she rides on the running board. A cute little cartoon about the unhappiness of royal marriages. (And don't think that it escapes my mind that this cartoon is from the same year that Edward VIII abdicated because of his marriage to Wallis Simpson.)

8. Happy You and Merry Me (1936)
Directed by Dave Fleischer, Animated by Willard Bowsky and George Germanetti

A kitten follows a fly (what is it with these flies?) into Betty's house and lands in a box of candy which it proceeds to gorge itself on while Betty and Pudgy sit at the piano and she plays the title song. The kitten gets sick from eating all the candy (Betty's arm apparently doubles as a thermometer and Pudgy's tail is a perfect metronome.) Also, Pudgy is apparently tobe trusted taking notes to the drugstore and the pharmacist trusts a dog to take a box of catnip back to Betty. Pudgy is chased down the street by the kitten's parent who is drawn in by the smell of the catnip and the kitten and cat are reunited in Betty's living room. This cartoon is notable for its representation of cats getting high on catnip and floating through the air.

9. House Cleaning Blues (1937)
Directed by Dave Fleischer, Animated by David Tendlar and Eli Brucker

First of all, if that's Betty's house on the corner then Betty is loaded. It looks like an awesome house. There is some terrific animation here, with great perspective and some clear examples of rotoscoping.
Anyhow, Betty wakes up after a monster birthday party and her house (that awesome house) is wrecked. The entire floor is covered with cigarette butts and Betty goes loopy trying to clean it all up. Meanwhile Grampy is on his way to pick up Betty to go for a drive, but Betty is too busy with the house cleaning to go. So, in order to save his date, Grampy whips up some gadgets to automate the cleaning while Betty goes up to get dressed for the drive. Grampy's car even has a working soda fountain so they can have a float (with two straws) and drive along. Ah, American ingenuity at its best. Say what you will about the new iphone, but it doesn't have an app that will clean your house or whip up a root beer float for you.

10. The Impractical Joker (1937)
Directed by Dave Fleischer, Animated by Frank Endres and Thomas Johnson

Betty is trying to bake a cake (always with the cakes, that Betty) when she is visited by Irving the practical joker (voiced by Jack Mercer, the voice of Popeye). Irving thinks it's a real hoot to play a bunch of practical jokes. Irving is a pinheaded toolbag.
Why doesn't Betty just toss him out of her house? That's what I don't understand. But maybe it's not so much her house as her boarding house, which would explain why Prof. Grampy has a sign outside his door upstairs. So maybe the house is a more public space than not.
Anyhow, Betty enlists Grampy in getting revenge, which Grampy does with all of his fancy gadgets. Again, it's clear that Betty and Grampy have a bit of a relationship going.

11. Betty Boop and Little Jimmy (1936)
Directed by Dave Fleischer, Animated by Myron Waldman and Hicks Lokey

This is another crossover with a King Features Syndicate comic strip character. Little Jimmy ran from 1904-1958. (But what was he running from?)
Betty starts this cartoon working out and singing "Keep Your Girlish Figure" while Little Jimmy (who she's babysitting, presumably) sings along. And yes, Betty Boop is working out in heels. Brilliant.
When Betty's belt exercise machine goes haywire Little Jimmy heads out to find an electrician and proceeds to have a series of misadventures as he forgets what he's looking for. The kid goes from looking for an electrician to looking for an optician, magician, politician and beautician and finally puts some bedsprings on his shoes which send him bouncing back home where he accidentally unplugs the machine.
I really dislike the fact that this whole cartoon was about Little Jimmy. Little Jimmy is a little simpleminded nimwit of a kid who can bite me.
At any rate, Betty comes out of the machine anorexic thin causing everyone to laugh hysterically for a ridiculously long time until they get fat. Apparently laughing makes people get fat. Ha ha. That Little Jimmy is such a card! (I hate you, Little Jimmy.)
I'm really not sure what this cartoon does for body image issues but I'm going to go back and watch Minnie the Moocher again so that this doesn't have to be the last Betty Boop cartoon I see.

I have to say that sitting through 23 Betty Boop cartoons is not a chore and it doesn't even take that much time. And if I can track down more that I haven't seen, I will. Betty Boop is a classic bit of Americana and the thing is that her image has become an icon that has been completely decontextualized from its origin. And that's a shame, because these are pretty decent cartoons for the most part and I think it's a shame when people like or hate Betty Boop based solely on her image without ever taking the time to see the cartoons. Because when you take time to do that you might get a pleasant surprise, like seeing Ghost Walrus Cab Calloway singing "Minnie the Moocher" and you shouldn't let your life go by without seeing that.

Boopers

Betty Boop: 23 Classic Cartoons

I was introduced to Betty Boop and Tom Mix and other old films when I was in elementary school by a show that ran on PBS called Matinee at the Bijou. The great thing about that show was that it gave historical background that helped contextualize these films so that by the time you got through Mack Sennett, Hal Roach and the old Republic serials you got a real sense of history. Matinee at the Bijou was my first introduction to the history of film. I miss it sorely. So whenever I think about Betty Boop, I think about Matinee at the Bijou and how it got me interested in the '20s and '30s and old films and enriched my notion of history in the process.

The surprising thing is that despite being such an iconic character there has been no great effort put into restoring a complete collection of the Betty Boop oeuvre.

The collections that are available on DVD now are a mixed bag, each having some that the others don't have while the quality of the transfers is inconsistent.

The collection in question here is a 2-disc collection of "23 Classic Cartoons" from Platinum Disc Corporation which, as luck would have it includes some rarities that aren't found elsewhere.

Now, here's what you need to know about Betty Boop: She was drawn by animator Myron "Grim" Natwick for Max Fleischer's studios as a combination of Helen Kane and Clara Bow. She was first created in 1930 as an animated poodle but finally became the human version we know in 1932. Although several actresses have provided the voice for Betty, the most famous was Mae Questel who took over the role in 1931 and made it her own.

The other salient thing about Betty Boop is that there were really two Bettys. The first was the jazz age flapper, an independent woman, a flirt, a real floozie. That's the iconic Betty Boop.

But after the Motion Picture Production Code of 1933 Betty was progressively tamed. From 1934 on she was turned into a proto-housewife-to-be, with longer dresses and tamer activities. Whereas she used to be a party girl, by 1934 she had settled down her ways. It's kind of disappointing to see the domesticated Betty, especially since in later cartoons she is often pushed to the sidelines and becomes a minor character in her own films. Thanks a lot, Legion of Decency. While watching Betty Boop perform domestic chores may be relatively wholesome, it's not like her adventures in Polynesia or singing and dancing were the stuff of anime pseudo-porn.

Is Betty Boop an icon of feminism? Is her independence and control of her own sexuality that threatening? Even the tamed Betty isn't domesticated to the point of getting married. It's hard, really to think of a character that would have been interesting enough to marry a firecracker like Betty. She's like Nora without Nick.

It's easy to dismiss Betty now as a big-eyed floozie with a disproportionate head, but as cartoon role models for women go, maybe she's not that bad.

Then again, there's a counter argument that Betty Boop is the creation of men and, as such, represents a male fantasy. And every so often, there's something about Betty that just makes you cringe.

At any rate, with that premble on the table let's see what's in store for us.

Vol. 1
1. Betty Boop’s Rise to Fame (1934)
Directed by Dave Fleischer

He liked to boop-oop-boop-e-doop.
But I never cared to boop-oop-boop-e-doop.
But he likes to boop-oop-a-doop, so that's my weakness now.

Dave Fleischer plays the role of a reporter asking Max Fleischer about the process of animation. And then Betty comes to life from the page where she's been drawn to do a sample of her routines for the interviewer and "Uncle Max." This is a good sampler of older Betty cartoons and I like how the pieces of paper that Max puts on his desk turn into full sets when Betty enters into them. Also, "Stopping the Show" isn't included in this set, so this is the only place where you'll see her doing impersonations of Helen Kane (which is a bit redundant) Fanny Brice "It's a goose, it's a goose, but I'm an Indian" and Maurice Chevalier. (I especially love seeing Betty impersonate Chevalier because it reminds me of that bit in Monkey Business where the Marx Brothers impersonate Chevalier in order to get onto a passenger ship.)

Maurice Chevalier's picture on an easel holding a bullhorn: Can you imitate me, Betty Boop? Yes?
Betty: I think so.
Maurice Chevalier's picture on an easel holding a bullhorn: Then do it. And do it right now.
That's a pretty pushy picture there, Frenchy.

After that Betty goes behind an inkwell to undress and get herself in brown-face (and body) makeup to play the hula girl in Bamboo Isle and then undresses again behind a pile of books for Old Man of the Mountain. All this dressing and undressing is a good example of the kind of stuff that the Legion of Decency and the Animated Morality Society would have a problem with and maybe they had a point.

At any rate, the Old Man of the Mountain comes out of the set and chases Betty who jumps into Max's inkwell to escape (and splashing the reporter's face and notebook with ink while managing to not stain herself in the process, curiously enough.) This is significant because the creation has to seek refuge with the creator and the source of her creation in order to be saved. Chew on that for a moment while we move on to the next one.

2. I’ll Be Glad When You’re Dead You Rascal You (1932)
Directed by Dave Fleischer, Animated by Willard Bowsky and Ralph Somerville

We go from the opening credits to a live action jazz ensemble. That's Louis Armstrong on trumpet. That just made my day.
Betty is "assisted" in this cartoon by her sidekicks Bimbo and Koko. They start off by carrying a slightly tan Betty through the jungle on a litter. They're all wearing pith helmets. It helps protect them from pith. They are being stalked by some monkey-like natives who cart off Betty leaving her assistants to try to track her down. Then they themselves are captured and have to escape. As they're running away the native chasing them transforms into a giant floating head who starts to sing the lyrics to the title song. Thus it is a giant floating cartoon jungle Louis Armstrong head chasing Bimbo and Koko and singing "I'll be glad when you're dead, you rascal you."
Kids, don't try this at home.
As if that isn't enough, the head transforms to a live action floating head of Louis Armstrong.
Boy, I brought you into my home
You wouldn't leave my wife alone
I'll be glad when you're dead you rascal you.
And that's why we won't see this cartoon on Nickelodeon any time soon.

The speedometer on Koko's tail when he's running away goes from numbers to a question mark, an exclamation point and finally the word כּשר.

We get another live action sequence with the orchestra. Then Bimbo and Koko torture a porcupine to fling its needles like arrows which cut Betty free from her bonds. Then the trio escape over a volcanic mountain and the pursuing natives are hurled into the air and we cut back to Louis Armstrong and the live action orchestra.

Needless to say, the equation of the cannibal natives with the jazz musicians is a bit uncomfortable, but then it's also just such a nonsequitur since the song they're singing is about a man who will be happy once the man who cuckolded him is dead.

So, this is a great short film if you're a fan of Louis Armstrong, but I think I'd have to drink a bathtub full of bootleg gin to make any sense of what the film is about (or to be drunk enough to not care about its lack of logic.)

3. Snow-White (1933)
Directed by Dave Fleischer, Animated by Roland C. Crandall

Made of pen and ink, she can win you with a wink
Ain't she cute, Boop-oop-a-doop...our Betty
The opening credits already win with "Vocal Chorus: Saint James Infirmary Blues sung by Cab Calloway."
The queen is like an older used up version of Olive Oyl singing "Magic mirror in my hand who's the fairest in the land?"
I like how Betty walks into the castle out of a snowstorm wearing a tiny strapless black dress that barely covers her upper thighs and the garter belt. Seriously folks, it's a snowstorm. Give the poor girl a coat or something. When the magic mirror tries to make out with Betty the evil stepmother queen sends Betty off to be beheaded.
Always in the way
I can never play
My own mama would never say
I'm always in the way.

The executioners (Bimbo and Koko) can't do their jobs and Betty escapes only to wind up frozen in a block of ice that is taken up by the Seven Dwarfs.
Meanwhile the evil queen realizes that Betty is still alive and gives chase.
Cue the musical interlude with Koko coming out of his suit of armor revealing his commedia outfit and he does a shuffle in the snow (rotoscoped from a live action Cab Calloway performance) to the "Saint James Infirmary Blues." The interlude in the Mystery Cave has some of the best background detail. The ending is, again a bit nonsensical, but hey I'll forgive a lot if you've got Cab Calloway singing for you.

4. Betty Boop’s Bamboo Isle (1932)
Directed by Dave Fleischer, Animation by Seymour Kneitel, Bernard Wolf and Shamus Culhane

This one starts out with a live action hula dancer and The Royal Samoans doing a number. The hula dancer's moves were rotoscoped for Betty's number.
The opening is a bit of a nautical fun culminating in a boat with Bimbo and a tan Betty. Betty's outfit consists of a grass skirt and a lei. That's it. So, by posing as a Polynesian girl Betty can pretty much get away with wearing a garland of flowers and some hay. And if her head and eyes weren't so completely out of proportion this would be even more awkward.
Anyhow, the rest of this one is a series of Polynesian headhunter cliches that culminates in Betty and Bimbo escaping to smooch on a boat ride in the domestic tranquility of the Mississippi River. Did I mention that Bimbo is a vaguely dog-like creature? If you're turned on by the thought of topless Hula Betty making out with a pug on a rowboat then please seek help.

5. Morning, Noon and Night (1933)
Directed by Dave Fleischer, Animated by Thomas Johnson & David Tendlar

Another live action opening here, this time with Runinoff and his orchestra.
The sun rises in the morning with a dreadful hangover. "I don't feel so hot today." A series of meandering bucolic scenes with birds follows, including a cure fledgling learning to fly. Betty owns a farm/animal sanctuary which is terrorized by the arrival of a bunch of hard-drinking cats in a car. The Tom Kats Social Club is not to be messed with. They chop down trees, chase after chicks and even force Betty to dance with them and when it looks like they'll do even worse Betty is rescued by a rooster with boxing gloves. The rest of the birds in the farm show organize to defend themselves and finally by nightfall Betty and her friends have defeated the cats. Betty speaks all of four words in the whole thing. A little disappointing.

6. Chess-Nuts (1932)
Directed by Dave Fleischer, Animated by James H. Culhane and William Henning

I should mention that this short is a "Talkartoon" which was a Fleischer series that ran from 1929-1932.
It starts with a live action chess game where a bit of cigar ash from one of the players drops on the queen and turns it into Betty. There's a bit of live action stop motion followed by the animation proper. This is one of the classic rudimentary bits of animation from the time period. The black king goes on a rampage against the white pieces (make your own joke here) rolling some bowling ball bombs toward the white pawns who fall like bowling pins and then the whole thing turns into a football match of white vs. black with Bimbo, playing for the white team running one of the bombs back toward the black endzone. Meanwhile Betty cheers from the tower of a castle. There's an interesting closeup sequence of Betty's legs here which is worth a groan. The black king now tries to kidnap Betty and do unspeakable things to her and with her and in her general direction. Bimbo shows up to rescue her. There are a couple of times when Betty's dress heads north revealing her undergarments including once when some sort of creature helpfully pulls her dress back down and she thanks the creature. If you were ever wondering if the marijuana menace of the 1930s was real, you only need the nonsensical aspects of this cartoon to prove it. It's like the Adult Swim lineup of 1932.

7. The Old Man of the Mountain (1933)
Directed by Dave Fleischer, Animated by Bernard Wolf and Thomas Johnson

This is one of the classics of all time. It's another teaming of Betty Boop and Cab Calloway (the earlier one had been 1932's Minnie the Moocher, a Talkartoon.)
It starts off with a live action sequence of Cab Calloway and his orchestra in white suits doing a chorus of hi-de-his and then the animation starts. The Old Man of the Mountain is in some way scaring the town folks into running away. Betty, a tourist, needs some explanation about the Old Man of the Mountain, so an owl gives her a few verses of character description. So, Betty goes up the mountain to give the Old Man a piece of her mind. She sees an hippo like woman pushing a baby carriage and Betty asks her what's wrong and she says "The Old Man of the Mountain" and points out her 3 children who are clearly little versions of the Old Man. Betty and the Old Man do a hi-de-ho shuffle in the Old Man's cave and then the old man chases after Betty and is beaten up by some woodland creatures for his trouble. Thus we have something of a running theme of men who try to get into Betty's boop and find that she's not as easy as she looks and that she has lots of little friends who will beat you up if you step out of line. Again, I'm not exactly sure of what I just watched, but it did sound nice and the background of the cave was well drawn.

8. Betty in Blunderland (1933/1934)
Directed by Dave Fleischer, Animated by Roland Crandall and Thomas Johnson

Betty is putting together an Alice in Wonderland jigsaw puzzle and falls asleep, only to have a waking dream of chasing the rabbit from the puzzle into a mirror and thus through Wonderland. This is one of the best Betty Boop cartoons. The animation of wonderland is great, Betty makes a really cool stand-in for Alice and it's got one of my favorite Betty songs "How do you do?" which she sings to the gang at the tea party. This is definitely one of the best old cartoons of all time.

9. Be Human (1936)
Directed by Dave Fleischer, Animated by Lillian Friedman and Myron Waldman

You know this is a later Boop because she's definitely more conservatively dressed (she's got sleeves.) The film is basically a public service announcement for the ASPCA. Betty's neighbor pretty much spends his day whipping his dog and punching his cow and otherwise torturing his farm animals. Betty sings the titular song which is all about how treating animals well is the essence of being human. Betty is upset so she calls her old friend Professor Grampy who runs Prof. Grampy's Animal Aid Society. Grampy is an eccentric inventor, something of a forefather of Inspector Gadget. He shows up and makes short work of Betty's neighbor carting him off to a torture dungeon where he's treated to a little of his own medicine. The evil neighbor is put on a treadmill, driven with an automated whip while a recording instructs him to be human. Betty and Grampy laugh at the tortrued neighbor and enjoy some of Grampy's other contraptions. "It's futile to be brutal." Anyhow, at least Grampy gets some smooching from Betty as his reward for a job well done. Way to go, Grampy! Not bad for a bald geek with a big white beard.
On the other hand, I can't help feeling disappointed by the conservative Betty who doesn't even get to be the lead in her own cartoon. Then again, even in the earlier ones it seems like Bimbo or Koko were always there to provide some form of rescue plotline.

10. Betty Boop’s Big Boss (1933)
Directed by Dave Fleischer, Animated by Bernard Wolf and David Tendlar

This is one of the last cartoons where Betty is voiced by Little Ann Little a 4'10" girl with a squeaky voice who was much like a real life version of Betty Boop that Fleischer sent her out on the road with artist Pauline Comanor and she would pose while Pauline drew sketches of her as Betty.
This is also one of the best examples of the bizarre but salient issues that Betty Boop raises. Betty is looking for a job and basically uses her looks to land a job as a secretary despite having no skills at all. Betty soon learns to type and is enjoying her job when the boss decides to call her on her flirting and chases her around the office. (Which is what you do when you're in a room with Betty Boop, after all.) Betty calls the police and soon the army shows up as well as a squadron of planes and a flotilla from the navy to go after the evil boss who's trying to sexually assault Betty. There's a big shootout with the cops who eventually bring down the entire office skyscraper by machine gunning it down inch by inch until the top floor office is on the ground. That's when we get the reveal of Betty making out with the boss and she looks over at all the cops, calls them fresh! for peeping at her and the boss, pulls the shade and continues where she left off in silhouette.
???!!!
What the hell do you do with a message like that? Wow, that is both so wrong and so not entirely impossible to believe. It's hard not to find this one exasperating. I have to admit that it's the ultimate conversation starter, but I can't imagine I want to sit through many of those conversations. Alright, now at least I have a sense of the classic Betty Boop as coy floozy character.

11. Parade of the Wooden Soldiers (1933)
Directed by Dave Fleischer, Amimated by Seymour Kneitel and William Henning

Another live action opening with Rubinoff and his Orchestra. I can't say I care for Rubinoff or his orchestra. He's not bad, but I would rather be watching Louis Armstrong or Cab Calloway.
Here we have a toy factory that delivers a toy version of Betty Boop to a toy shopwhere she is greeted by a parade of wooden soldiers and wooden elephents and a pirate with a peg leg. After the tremendous social implications of Betty Boop's Big Boss this cartoon is something of a snoozefest. The tension in the cartoon is provided by a large stuffed King Kong doll who proceeds to take Betty to use her head as a replacement for the head on another toy. The resolution is swift and the King Kong reference is the best part of the whole thing.

12. Not Now (1936)
Directed by Dave Fleischer, Animated by Hicks Lokey and Myron Waldman

This is another later cartoon with Betty Boop (conservative Betty) and her dog Pudgy. Betty can't go to sleep because there's a cat on the fence below meowling through the night. Not Now is an annoying song. I don't care if the cat has nine lives, he should quit the singing. Pudgy heads down to take out the cat but little Pudgy ends up only exacerbating the problem as, after a long chase sequence the end result is a whole host of other cats forming a chorus of meowlers outside the window. This is an early and prescient metaphor for the problems of counter-insurgency.

Tune in for Volume 2, featuring 11 more Betty Boop cartoons.

Death by Cartoon

Happy Tree Friends – Winter Break (2004) Mondo Media

Somehow Christmas carols are more charming when mumbled completely incomprehensibly by woodland creatures just before they die horrible deaths. If you have never been treated to the hilarity of the Happy Tree Friends, then it can be difficult to explain. In fact, I find that a written explanation of Happy Tree Friends can sound downright psychotic. For instance, here’s a description of the first Happy Tree Friend short I ever saw on a collection from Spike & Mike’s Sick and Twisted Festival of Animation (which should have been a giveaway right there): a pair of raccoons named Lifty and Shifty steal a cow from a blue moose named Lumpy and then make their getaway on a hot air balloon. When Lumpy tries to stop them by holding on to the hot air balloons rope he gets dragged until his spine comes out of his skin. Lifty and Shifty then also meet gruesome ends as they try to avoid hitting a power line. (If I remember correctly one of them is impaled on some evergreens when tossed out of the balloon basket and the other one has his intestines ripped out and entangled on a windmill.) See what I mean? It’s psychotic. It sounds like the plot for the next Saw movie. And if I try to insist that this is funny in some sort of transgressive way I end up sounding like a psycho-killer. Explaining this kind of humor only makes you sound progressively more insane, which is also kind of funny.

Here’s the thing about comedy, though—it is inherently transgressive in some way. If it doesn’t disturb the order of things it isn’t really funny, now is it? Put another way, if I were to get run over tomorrow by a Model T driven by a talking squirrel it would be tragic, but that doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t funny (for several different reasons) even if it was kind of gruesome. The Happy Tree Friends are a form of comedy that allows us to laugh at the worst-case scenarios of life and it’s that much funnier because it involves such improbably cute woodland creatures and the like. It’s a formula used to great effect by It’s Happy Bunny, where a cute bunny is used to mouth phrases that would be funny enough on their own but are twice as funny when juxtaposed with a cute bunny. Happy Tree Friends operates in a similar vein. It’s so wrong, but it’s the wrongness of it that makes it so damn funny. The thing about it is that the violence is so extreme that it puts most horror films to shame. It is in fact sickening. But if you’ve ever wondered if sometimes Blue from Blue’s Clues gets depressed and wants to eat a gun and end it all, or if you ever get so sick of sugar-saturated lies of Saturday morning, then you’ve probably wished for something like this to happen. Admit it, you wouldn’t mind seeing an episode of Pokemon directed by Eli Roth or Quentin Tarantino or Rob Zombie. Sometimes you’d welcome it. Hell, you might even laugh at it. Well, there’s no reason to go that far, because the Happy Tree Friends have you covered in finding a solution to the Unbearable Cuteness of Being.

And if that wasn’t enough, Winter Break is a Christmas Special! That’s twice the sticky cuteness and excessive happiness at no extra cost for you!

First up is the Winter Break Special.
Episodes
1. Stealing the Spotlight
This episode features Pop and Cub, a pipesmoking bear and his diaper clad beanie headed kid (Where’s mom in all this?) Lumpy the blue moose, and Nutty, a green squirrel who is hopped up on sugar or cocaine-laced candy. Lumpy is admiring his Christmas lights (he lives in a trailer) when he sees Pop and Cub putting up their lives. Lumpy is envious. He hatches a plan. Meanwhile Pop and Cub get into progressively worse problems when Cub loses a tooth and Pop tries to hammer it back in. Nutty mistakes Lumpy’s lights for candy and tries to eat them but Lumpy proceeds to disembowel him when he is putting up his lights. Cub is covered in roof tacks when a bucket of them falls on his head. Lumpy is still envious of Pop & Cub’s lights so he builds a new amalgamation of lights that is actually as bright as the sun and proceeds to burn the other creatures to a crisp and actually blows up the moon. At last, Lumpy is satisfied.
You could say that the moral of this episode is that envy is bad, or something like that.

Kringle Bells
These “kringles” are Christmas card short shorts. In this case, the discovery of a red nosed reindeer ends with the reindeer kicking the blue creatures face apart. Brilliant.

2. Tongue Twister Trouble
This episode features Sniffles a nerdy anteater (he’s got a pocket-protector).
Sniffles tries to get an ant while iceskating but ends up with a tongue stuck to the ice, which provides the ant with a perfect opportunity to torture Sniffles in an improbable (but isn’t it all improbable?) way using a very cute kitten, a rope and an anvil.

Frosty Kringle
Sniffles and a friend are working on a snowman when Lumpy skis right through the snowman. At the bottom of the slope Lumpy looks down and sees that he’s got those two impaled on his skis so he gets to work sliding them off. Oh, Lumpy! You should really watch where you’re skiing!

3. Out on a Limb
This Lumpy episode plays out like a classic short story. Lumpy is chopping down a tree but he trips when trying to get clear and lands on his leg. When he tries to use his axe to cut his way out the axe-head goes flying off. Now he’s faced with a MacGyver situation. He has an axe-handle, a paperclip, a button and a metal spoon. He bites on the axe-handle and then it takes him all night to hack away through his leg with the spoon just to get to the bone, which then requires using a nearby rock to hit the spoon with. He bends the spoon and finally cracks through the bone only to discover that he’s been hacking all night at his free leg. He now picks up his severed leg and bites on it as he prepares to hack through his other leg with the paperclip. This cartoon is an allegory for American foreign policy in the Middle East.

Kringle Feast
Lumpy’s dinner guests are all passed out from the oven’s gas as Lumpy tries to get the thing relit. When he does get his lighter going the result is a beautiful orange mushroom cloud. This cartoon is also an allegory for our foreign policy in the Middle East.

Kringle Karol
A quartet is mumbling Silent Night at someone’s doorstep. When the door closes there’s a sound and then some screaming. The door opens and giant icicle has taken root where one of them used to have a face.
They do a cute version of Silent Night.

4. Snow What-That’s What
This episode features Giggles the pink chipmunk and Cro-Marmot, a prehistoric critter frozen in a block of ice.
Giggles gets into a snowball fight with Cro-Marmot. (You might ask how that can be possible given the fact that Cro-Marmot is frozen in a block of ice. If you ask that, then perhaps you have no sense of whimsy or any sense of humor.) In fact, Cro-Marmot throws the first shot. Not bad for a critter frozen in ice.

Kringle Presents
Cub is killed by a toy train. Any further explanation would just be insane.

5. Ski Ya-Wouldn’t Wanna Be Ya
This episode features Flaky, the porcupine with dandruff (a truly pathetic character) and Disco Bear. I hate Disco Bear. I hate the very idea of Disco Bear. Disco Bear should die a horrible death and in fact I wish Disco Bear could take the place of every other creature in this series and he should die in their places. But maybe it’s just that I envy Disco Bear’s self-confidence…especially with the ladies. Maybe, but Disco Bear must die. Disco Bear nearly kills Flaky and sends the poor Porcupine on a ride up on the world’s most insane ski-lift. Flaky’s ride down consists of skiing down the mountain with a foot nailed to a plank trying to outrace an avalanche and then getting cut into small cubes by a chain-link fence. Meanwhile, Disco Bear is in his cabin enjoying some fondue. God, I hate Disco Bear. The only thing that made me happy here is that Disco Bear takes the plank and nail right on his forehead at the end, and if you ask me that’s too merciful and quick for that ‘70s throwback.

Kringle Tree
Giggles is picking out a Christmas tree and Lumpy (always handy with the axe) prepares to cut it down for her. But, of course, he instead cleaves Giggles’ head because Lumpy never seems to look before swinging.
Let that be a lesson for you all.

6. A Class Act
This is the best episode in this set and if you don’t want to see any other mayhem then you have to see this one. Why? Because this one is some sort of community theater or school Christmas pageant gone wrong. It’s all about the backstage shenanigans. My favorite part is Lumpy as the beret-wearing director who insists the show must go on (despite some horrific on stage deaths) and then when it’s clear there’s a disaster he’s the first to escape through a window backstage. The follow spot is operated by a blind mole, Lifty and Shifty provide a snow effect by shaking Flaky, but the star of this piece is Toothy the purple beaver whose inspirational mumbled rendition of O Tannenbaum can bring a tear to the eye of even the most jaded blue moose. This piece is destined to be a Christmas classic. The end is a metaphor for the resilience of mankind in the face of tragedy.

Bonus:
1. Ski Patrol
So, you want to joint the esteemed ranks of the Ski Patrol!
This “irregular” episode is just for you fans of Atomic Testing videos, as it is done entirely like an old informational film. The retro charm of this one makes it a must see.

2. Carols
This bonus feature lets you enjoy the Happy Tree Friends without any violence because all they do is stand in a doorway and mumble Christmas carols. They do a rousing rendition of Jingle Bells, followed by an incomprehensible version of Deck the Halls and my favorite version of We Wish You a Merry Christmas of all time. Oh Christmas Tree isn’t as inspiring as when Toothy sings it solo in A Class Act, but I like how Giggles and Cuddles look like they forget the words halfway through. And of course who wouldn’t like a version of 12 Days of Christmas with no intelligible lyrics?

3. Happy Tree Vee
This function allows you to just vegetate in front of an exceptionally happy image. Comes in your choice of Yule log (the classic fireplace), Pretty Colors (a color bar) or Snow Daze (black and white snow). Obviously this function is only for the seriously demented.

Atomic Testing 3, Free World Jamboree

Disc 3 – Living With The Threat

And now here we are, living with the threat. I’m not sure how much more living with the threat I can do at this point. I’ve already caught myself eyeing a portion of the backyard where I might want to put in a fallout shelter and I’ve been wandering around Home Depot looking at backs of cement the way a hungry person might look at pancake mix in a grocery store. It’s strange that in an age where we’re constantly having nuclear proliferation touted as an apocalyptic threat that we aren’t being inundated with the kind of material I’ve been viewing. Then again, maybe the key is in those words “living with the threat.” It seems like we have lately been under the belief that we don’t have to live with the threat anymore, that somehow, after the end of the original cold war that we have put the nuclear genie back in the bottle. But we haven’t, really, have we? We’re still living with the threat, we’re just living in a serious state of denial.
Maybe it’s time we re-learned how to live with the threat.

1. The Medical Aspects of Nuclear Radiation (1950)

Yes, folks, it’s a warm sunny day in California as we take a glance at a sunbather at a swimming pool.
And it’s a fine day and a fine place to learn about nuclear radiation. This films starts out like a radiation fetish film here, but then moves to animated atomic diagrams that explain atoms and cells and how organs are like machines in a factory. To emphasize that latter point the body is shown as an industrial operation with little gnomes working on machines —very cute.

Yessiree, it’s a fine day in America to learn about rays:
Gamma rays (which will turn you into a green hulk if you get mad)
Neutrons (which are the most penetrating but least ionizing—they are external dangers)
Alpha particles (which will turn you into Canadian mutant superheroes)
Beta particles (can burn the skin in concentration)
And whatever you do, don’t have a break in the skin when being bombarded with radiation. So, try to avoid the double whammy of being stabbed right before a nuclear attack.

Much of the mystery surrounding it is maintained by the general public which is determined to regard radioactivity as potent and irresistible as the evil spirit of the ages. This can be partly explained by man’s fear of dangers he cannot sense. A fear fanned into widespread misunderstanding by sensational speculation on what radiation can do.

In the words of Kermit Roosevelt, “We have nothing to fear from radiation but radiation itself.”

Radioactivity is dangerous but to say that it’s deadly period is as misleading as giving a flat answer to the question ‘how high is up?’

Ooh, snap. Take that, nuclear fearmongers.

My favorite part here is the close-up on the ads in a newspaper.

Tune In Monday at 8:30 p.m.
To Hear
“The Awful Truth About Radioactivity”

Followed by “School Lunches: Will they kill you?” at 9pm.

Move to the Country.
Be Safe From Atomic Attack.
Live in Windemere Acres
McCoy & Sons Developers
WI 7-6543

You were perhaps wondering how we came to live in such sprawling suburban conglomerations? I believe the words “Be Safe From Atomic Attack” may explain a lot about the move to the suburbs.
Truth be told, if I was inclined to sell my house, I’d love to take out an ad like this one.

Not even the atomic bomb burst—man’s bold adventure in releasing atomic power—is the DDT of humanity from which there is no escape, for it has its known limits…

Maybe DDT will be the DDT of humanity.

So, how are we going to live with the threat? How do we keep from being on the wrong end of the “bold adventure”?
Rule #1 Be someplace else when it happens.
Rule #2 If you can’t get away from it, shield yourself.
There’s no Rule #3? Shit.
So, how do we shield ourselves? And do they have the supplies at Lowe’s and Home Depot?

1 inch of steel will stop gamma rays.
3 inches of concrete or 12 inches of wood will also do the trick. Unfortunately they don’t give the stats for how thick a down comforter would have to be to stop gamma rays.

To stop neutrons you need concrete, earth and water.
And now we’re treated to some guys smoking and playing poker while they hear an a-bomb go off. Their reaction is so nonchalant. Me, I’d be a little chalant at that moment.
But why wouldn’t they be nonchalant when they’ve been told…It’s safe to go out 2 minutes after the explosion.

And then we get a shot of hairy guys in a shower getting radiation off. Was that necessary? Really?
This man may recover quickly from a rattlesnake bite, this man may succumb to a bee sting…
And they may all be turned into ash in an instant, too…
450 Roentgens will kill a person. That’s a heck of a bee sting.

Treatment for radiation exposure is symptomatic.
The atomic bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki took the Japanese completely by surprise—nevertheless an impressive share of radiation patients recovered…
Define “impressive.”

And the best name for a hospital goes to…The Nagasaki Infectious Hospital.
Is there any reassuring news for us?

In short, they were burned and beaten into oblivion before they had a chance to die of radiation. Which puts the finger squarely upon one of the major fallacies in the public’s attitude towards atomic weapons. It’s the fallacy of devoting 85% of one’s worry about an atomic attack to an agent that accounts for only 15% of the death in an atomic attack. And that’s unsound. It doesn’t fit.
If you must worry, concentrate on the blast effects of an a-bomb. It’s hot and devastating. It causes a gigantic rearrangement of things, a complete change of scenery and it means sudden death to those who chance to be in the way when it happens.

A GIGANTIC REARRANGEMENT OF THINGS. Did they have to go to Euphemism University to learn that one? And COMPLETE CHANGE OF SCENERY…well, that’s an understatement, though we can’t deny the truth of it.

Blast and heat are hazards that warrant concern but not panic, because they aren’t new or novel, they are the same forces of World War II’s conventional bombers which some of you may have experienced, and you did alright, you’re here.
That’s right, the narrator just told you to grow a pair, because if you could live through all the bombing from before then a couple of bigger bombs are either going to kill you or they aren’t.
I can only imagine the sneering tone this narrator would take when confronted with today’s lesser paranoias. Suitcase bomb? Dirty bomb? Suck it up. People before us made it through a lot worse.

Here’s a good rule for everyone: Adopt the realistic viewpoint of a man engaged in a gun battle. His chief fear is not that he might come down with a case of lead poisoning, but that he’s apt to get an extra hole in his body.

And just to pile on the ridicule we are presented with a couple more faux scare attacks:
“…and will eventually result in a race of bald headed people. They’ll call you old skinhead, old chrome-dome.”
Yeah, that’s what people were worried about when they thought of nuclear holocaust. They were worried that we’d all be bald.

“The estimated dose needed to bring about permanent sterility exceeds the lethal dose. So obviously sterility by radiation would be just incidental. A matter a dead man wouldn’t worry about.”
You might think so, but what if my reanimated zombie corpse wants to have a child? What about then?

The public has been force-fed grave suspicions that extensive use of atomic energy as in war might eventually result in an overabundance of freaks suitable for sideshow exhibitions.
You didn’t actually say that right now, did you?
I like how the visual for “freaks suitable for sideshow exhibitions is a pair of nerdy looking kids with glasses. They don’t look like freaks, so much as dorks.

Besides a mutation can be a good variation, an improvement over the parents.
If you’ll be honest with yourself face the facts you’ll probably realize that your principal worry ought to be that your offspring will look just like you.
That’s right, you ugly fat fucks. A little mutation might be better than your own slack-jawed inbred kids would turn out.
And that’s where the film leaves us. Don’t worry about the radiation, because the blast will kill you and besides, a little mutation might be better in the long run.

2. Our Cities Must Fight (1951)
Archer Productions
Directed by Anthony Rizzo, Screenplay by Ray J. Mauer

This film presents a newspaper writer who is having a hard time writing a piece about civil defense, so he goes to his buddy to complain about the way things are. And how are things? People are panicking and running over themselves figuring out ways to abandon the big city in case of an attack.
The two guys commiserate about the “Take to the Hills Fraternity” which sounds like a nice sporting club, if you ask me.

“But they’ve made up their minds without thinking. They’re letting fear push them.”
Why, next thing you know, they’ll be turning each other in as collaborators and foreign agents and blacklisting people.

“It’s pushing them into something close to treason…”
Why, next thing you know they’ll be parking all their bank accounts in the Bahamas to avoid paying good old-fashioned American taxes and lobbying on behalf of foreign governments and socializing health care.

“If war comes and we desert our cities…then we’ve lost the war.”
Unless war comes and our cities are hit with hydrogen bombs, in which case then we’ve, err…lost the war?

“Mass evacuations don’t work.”
This is a warning about refugees in Europe and how they clogged the roads making military use of roads more difficult.

“After an attack our first responsibility will be to keep our heads and get back to our jobs for each of has a job to do. No matter what happens the people of a city must be fed clothed supplied with electricity and heat. The city must be kept alive.”
Your individual American lives mean nothing if our collective American cities don’t stay alive.

The able-bodied person must stay and help. Modern warfare has no respect at all for civilians. Like it or not each of us has his share of fighting to do, his share of danger to face. Running away from that duty would be desertion, plain and simple. In the army it would mean court-martial. As a civilian it would not only be treasonable but it would mean having to live with the knowledge that in deserting your responsibility you’d failed yourself your family your friends your city.
You got that? We’re all in it now. There are no civilians. The Big City needs you to keep America running. Don’t leave your city if it’s getting bombed, because America and all it stands for depends on it.

You know, a lot of people behind the Iron Curtain are wondering if we can ever take it if we’re attacked. They’re carefully measuring our courage, our capacity to fight, our capacity for sacrifice. They think they have the answers. Well, you and I and every American has to examine their minds and hearts and come up with a few answers of their own. The question is: have Americans got the guts? Have you got the guts?
He looks right into camera for that last one. Do we have the guts? Or is it all about paying someone else to have the guts now? Are we content with making sure that someone does dirty things for us to keep us from needing to answer that question?
Well, punk, DO YOU HAVE THE GUTS?

3. Duck and Cover (1952)
Archer Productions Directed by Anthony Rizzo, Screenplay by Raymond J. Mauer

That’s right, the same team that brought you “Our Cities Must Fight” were responsible for the classic Duck and Cover. Everybody’s heard of Duck and Cover, but the full hilarity of it doesn’t sink in until you actually watch this film.
Right away you know there’s a problem when the paragon of virtue is a turtle. The little bastard has a shell. It might make sense to duck and cover if you’re carrying a shelter with you at all times.
The turtle’s name is Bert. Bert is a stupid name.

There was a turtle by the name of Bert,
and Bert the turtle was very alert;
when danger threatened him he never got hurt
he knew just what to do…
He’d duck!
And cover!

The song is catchy, but so was International Communism.
Bert’s biggest enemy is apparently a suicidal monkey that dangles dynamite from a string while hanging from the branch of a tree. The monkey dies, but Bert ducks and covers. Bert even refuses to come out of his shell when the narrator invites him out to meet the good folks watching this film. Bert hates people. And I don’t blame Bert, because you have to wonder where the monkey got dynamite—From people, most likely, because the monkey doesn’t even have pants. Then again, Bert is wearing a helmet, which he probably didn’t make himself. People are arming both sides in this bizarre conflict.

It’s easy to see how this film could become the paragon of paranoia and the icon of inane information.
Just look at the way the kids are learning to duck and over under their wooden desks. Haven’t these kids been watching the last 2 discs of films? Don’t they know that what they really need is duck and three feet of reinforced concrete?

I really love how this film explains that fire is dangerous, but that we have well-trained firemen to deal with the problem and that automobiles are dangerous but that with traffic rules and policemen we can avoid the worst accidents. Hey, this is actually a decent parable.
“Now we must be ready for a new danger.”
Tune it at 9:30pm when we will tell you what this new danger is.

The animation that shows the outskirts of town is alright, but I love how it destroys buildings but leaves the turtle intact. And did you know that the atomic bomb can burn you worse than a terrible sunburn?
Seriously? You think?
Be like Bert, when there’s a flash you have to duck and cover fast. Also, we’re working on mutant human shell mechanisms.

Betty is asking a question in class about atomic bombs. Her teacher tells us that there are two kinds of attack: With warning and No warning. There may be a third kind of attack, which is one with a really ambiguous and useless warning as in the infamous “I’m gonna git you sucka! Sincerely, Joe Stalin” Telegram of 1950, which, while certainly a warning, wasn’t sufficiently detailed as to how he was “gonna git” us or who the “suckas” would be that were gonna get git.

Places marked with an “S” sign are safe shelters. This includes Safeway grocery stores. In fact, nowadays it doesn’t include much else.

Meet Paul and Patty.
“No matter where they go or what they do they always try to remember what to do if the atom bomb explodes right then.” Paul and Patty know what to do. They panic and wet themselves.

“Here’s Tony going to his cub scouts meeting. Tony knows the bomb can explode any time of the year day or night. He’s ready for it.”
Tony is paranoid. Tony needs another hobby.

“We must obey the civil defense worker.”
Yes, master. We will obey.
We must be ready every day at every time to do the right thing, just like Spike Lee taught us.

“Even a newspaper can save you from a bad burn.”
What? Why not just tell people to wrap themselves up in aluminum foil to preserve their “succulent juices”?

“We must be ready all the time for the atomic bomb.”
I’m ready right now.

“Duck and cover and stay covered.”
And stay ducked, too. And remember to vote for the American Reactionary Party. They’ll keep you safe—and white.

“Older people will help us as they always do.”
By telling us how much better things were in their day and that races shouldn’t mix? Seriously, you’re putting your faith in old people helping a bunch of paranoid boy scouts who are pretending to be turtles?
It’s a wonder we made it all the way to 1952 with this advice.

4. Survival Under Atomic Attack (1951)
Castle Films

“Let us face without panic the reality of our times.”
Without panic? But what if brown people in countries with funny names get the bomb? What then?
Can we face the reality of our times without panic then?

“Let us prepare for survival, understanding the weapon that threatens us.”
No, let’s not understand it. Let’s just get real paranoid and confused. That’s the American way.

But seriously, folks. Here’s a good film that’s here to teach you to calm the heck down, man up (or woman up) and face the future instead of running around like a bunch of frightened pansies like the Americans of the Whiniest Generation (yeah, I’m looking at you, people of 2010.)

Here are the simple lessons of living with the threat and surviving the bomb.

1. The blast is the most dangerous part.
No shit. It’s huge, and it tears things apart. If you’re anywhere near the center of it, just blink and you’re worries will be over.

2. Radioactivity isn’t so bad—the Japanese mostly survived it and are doing alright now.
What?

3. Don’t abandon cities.
Because that’s where all the good stuff is, and we need stuff after an atomic attack.

4. Our offices and homes are posts not to be abandoned.
Go to work, you lazy slobs. There are widgets that need to be tightened so that America can bounce back.

5. The immediate danger is over in a minute unless the explosion occurred near the ground or water.
Which is why we’re recommending a lot of new floating housing units.

6. If the people of Hiroshima and Nagasaki had known what we know…thousands of lives might have been saved.
But then knowing what we know would have required some sort of time-travelling technology, which would have disrupted a lot, so maybe it’s better that they didn’t know what we know, because that would have changed what we know. Also, what we know is partly based on what happened there, so them’s the breaks.

Finally we get a man on a couch who is clearly using the Civil Defense guide to hit on the woman with him. He shows her his basement. I’m worried that this might turn into a very different kind of film.
He shows her his workbench. The workbench is strong. They could hide under there and survive the nuclear devastation and then maybe even do it.
Finally, there’s a demonstration of getting into a shelter and the little kid outside playing cowboy looks like he may get left behind. Thanks for the overblown music. I guess I can survive an atomic attack. It can’t be any worse than this film.

5. Target You (1953)
Federal CDA/a Philip Ragan Production

“You are the target of those who would trample the liberties of free men. You are in the crosshairs of a bombsight that an enemy is centering on you.”
Little old me? Wait a minute, now, who is trampling on my liberties? Is it the One World Government, or the New World Order? No wonder we’ve ended up with a country full of paranoid conspiracy theorists. A few more of these vague “everybody’s targeting me” videos and I’m going to believe it.

Seriously, though, this is the point at which I’ve officially reached Civil Defense Fatigue. I have officially been told to take cover too many times, been advised to build a shelter too many times and since when did evacuation from a target area become okay? I thought we were supposed to stay in the cities and fight. Now we’re being told to leave the cities in an orderly fashion? Make up your minds propagandists!

One thing’s for sure, the diagrams here are a lesson in OCD to keep things uncluttered.
The animated house house is full of kids, handicapped and aged or infirm and they’re all going to burn in an attack.
We’re told to “ask your utilities for advice and then follow it.” My utilities? They can’t even keep track of billing? Why would I bother asking for their advice and if I did bother to ask why would I not follow it?
I’m not sure if this film is representative or just repetitive, but I think I’ve finally gone Atom Stir Crazy.

6. Let’s Face It (1954)
Federal Civil Defense Administration/USAF Lookout Mountain Laboratory

Let’s Face It sounds like it should have been a Cole Porter civil defense musical. You may think I’m a bit crazy for continuing to watch these after reaching my limit with that last one, but this film is a historical gem.

The opening shot is of an atomic bomb explosion. Nothing I haven’t seen before in the last few hours of viewing.
But here’s the kicker:
The next shot is the old spinning newspaper. It’s a copy of the Los Angeles Examiner and the main headline is “RUSS EXPLODE H-BOMB” with the smaller “Pravda Says Test of Great Strength.”
It could be a fake newspaper for all I know, but there’s one little detail on the rest of that front page that makes this film such an important piece of history.
The next biggest headline is “Mossadegh Fate in Doubt; 300 Killed in Iran Coup” with the subheadline Chief Henchman ‘Torn to Pieces'.
That means that it’s August 1953, and this little film just recorded a bit of Iranian history as it just showed the result of Operation Ajax, the CIA coup that restored the Shah in Iran.
And there you have it, the whole Cold War in a nutshell in a little throwaway scene of a spinning newspaper with a shocking headline that’s supposed to make us paranoid about Communist nukes. One side of the paper is the Communist threat and the other side of the paper is the CIA’s dirty work in suppressing national/post-colonial movements that could be less friendly than right-wing dictatorships.
Oh, it’s just painful watching one half of the US Middle East “Policy” being turned into a giant cluster-fuck with the nonchalance of a spinning newspaper.

The rest of the film is just a time capsule, so if you like seeing old views of American cities then sit back and enjoy. There’s a billboard that says “Pray for Peace, Prepare for Survival”—that pretty much sums up these films.

Let’s face it, your life, the fate of your communities, the fate of your nation depends on what you do…
Which brings us right back to that newspaper headline, doesn’t it.

So, here’s another thought about why this paranoia eventually died out—it’s because these films are all about the fringe areas of a blast. That’s where something will survive. The target areas will be flattened without a doubt—which is a great argument for living in Sticksville. I imagine it’s hard to sustain paranoia with urban city dwellers who have a minimum chance of surviving the nuclear attack. Think about it. If you turn back the clock to 1953 and imagine that a daylight nuclear attack occurs on a major city. Most people will not have time to make it to a shelter. The city will be a complete loss. There’s no point in learning about duck and cover, or washing your hands, or holding a newspaper over your face, much less how many feet of reinforced concrete in your backyard will be adequate. If you’re working in the Big City, you’re dead. Now, if you’re living in Brenham, Texas, you may in fact have a good chance of surviving the nuclear age and making it into the post-nuclear age. You have a good reason to build a shelter and to pay attention to these films. Maybe these films did little more than deepen a divide between urban and rural America and turn suburban America a battleground between urban nihilists and rural survivalists.

“And so until men of good will have turned this awesome power to peaceful uses let us recognize the threat to our way of life, the threat to our survival and…let’s face it.”
Let’s face it, indeed.

7. Warning Red (1956)
Norwood Studios
Directed by Nicholas Webster, Screenplay by Kirby Hawkes

Warning Red is a fully dramatized picaresque story of a man trying to get home with some ice cream just as a nuclear attack occurs. It’s like the Odyssey, only much shorter and in black and white.

Martin is at a diner picking up some ice cream (45 cents worth—he can bring back enough ice cream for his family with 45 cents!)
He can’t find anything on the radio, but he’ll be damned if he bothers to check Conelrad stations 640 or 1240. “I wonder what Karen’s been cooking up for dinner. I wonder what Davy’s been up to.”
I wonder who Karen and Davy are.
He pulls up to his home, but is caught by the flash. He runs for cover (and ducks).
His house is wrecked. He can’t find his family and doesn’t know that they’ve already gotten warning and left for a neighbor’s shelter. What will he do?
He finds a man listening to the radio in a car.
The car radio is a Motorola.
The block warden acts quickly and effectively.
“Are they going to drop another one?”
“No…Not here anyway?”
Martin runs into a man warming up milk for his baby—he’s well-informed and needs no help.
Martin then encounters a woman with a baby—the woman is in shock and talking crazy.
“The milkman doesn’t come ‘til tomorrow morning.”
Once Martin is told that his wife and kid are safe he suddenly transforms from an ineffective person into a sub-warden, helping other people out. And, like a true hero-quest, it is when his character has changed that he finally achieves the means to find his way home.
An old woman who has a shelter runs into Martin and leads him to his wife. All is happy…well, relatively so.

7. Bombproof (1956)
Directed by Robert L. Friend Screenplay by Will H. Connelly
Presented by the Burroughs Corporation
A Robert J. Enders Production

“Since winning its independence the United States has been involved in six major wars an average of one every 30 years.” (Cue the montage of historic American flags and old cannon.) And, uh, we're going to have to revise that every 30 years thing...

This is another “fully dramatized” film, although in this case the whole thing is a thinly veiled (oh, who are we kidding? there is no veil here at all) infomercial for microfilm.

J.B. Donovan (Walter Abel), the CEO of Donovan Manufacturing also happens to be the Civil Defense chief for the area of his factory. In the aftermath of a nuclear attack his workers/survivors are worried about having jobs or pensions and his suppliers are worried about being paid for goods and services.
What happened to all of their records?

"Your factory's nothing but a big radioactive hole in the ground! You're through, I'm through, we're all through! We might as well go live in caves." – Charlie

Good thing for Charlie that Mr. Donovan had the foresight to implement a plan and use the magical new technology of microfilm to preserve all the vital records of his operations.
See, three years prior to this attack Donovan had watched an evacuation drill and thought about just this problem. Lucky for him that someone could explain the idea of microfilm to him.

“We’ve got the people to start over again. We’ve got the records.
The records are the new foundation.”
And, as the records say: “He who breaks the law goes back to the House of Pain.”

“With our people saved and filled with the will to win we could carry on.”
You have to admire that spirit, even though it’s being exploited to sell microfilm services.
Another thing you have to admire is how Walter Abel really puts his all into this cheap, sad role.

So, here’s what we learn from this film: Microfilm will last an estimated 500 years.
Any small town bank vault will do for a second location for your records.
Your company safe is secure enough, unless you’re in the immediate zone of destruction.
Isn’t that reassuring? Even in the event of a nuclear catastrophe the magic of microfilm will ensure that debt collectors will be able to hunt you down for those student loans, which at that point will be payable in jars of peach preserves.

“We can build again…We will build again”
Bombproof is the most inspirational film about microfilm ever! It’s like the Good Will Hunting of microfilm infomercials.

8. A Day Called X (1957)
Directed by Harry Rasky. Written by Lester Cooper

Whoa! This is produced by CBS Television and it’s some high quality stuff, and if you don’t believe me let me introduce you to our narrator, famous Hollywood actor Glenn Ford.
And we actually get to see him in the intro. Bonus!
“In this age of missiles and man made moons…”
Wait a minute, we made a MOON? (He’d better not mean satellites.)
There are no actors in this story. It’s all about Portland, Oregon’s preparation for a nuclear attack.
Here’s what we know about Portland: It’s the largest dry cargo port on the Pacific Coast and with a population of 415,000, it’s “more or less about the size of Hiroshima.”
I think being told that your city is more or less about the size of Hiroshima is a little like being told that your car is moving more or less at the speed of the motorcade in Dealey Plaza and that your head is more or less the size of JFK’s head. It’s a little unsettling.

In case you start believing that it’s actually 1957 and that this is not a test you are treated to the periodic flash of the words: AN ATTACK IS NOT TAKING PLACE.

The people in the movie are real citizens of Portland and we get a thorough glimpse of emergency services preparation as well as an inside look into Portland’s Civil Defense command bunker.
Of course, the attack posited in this scenario is a bomber flight that has crossed the Bering Strait and is coming down the coast from Alaska toward Portland, which gives the good people of Portland plenty of time to do what they have to do in the luxurious 2 ½ hours of warning they have. Why, that leaves enough time to say “Hey, the end of the world is coming, but we have enough time for foreplay and maybe even a few minutes of cuddling.”

Speaking of foreplay, this film is all foreplay, because it’s all about the preparation. Once the time is up and the moment of truth arrives we cut back to Glenn Ford.

“What happened after that moment we leave you to contemplate. The survival of this entire nation depends upon the ability of federal state and local governments to maintain continuity in the even of a nuclear attack.”
Yes, Glenn Ford pronounced it nuke-ular.
So, Portland has a plan for dealing with atomic destruction.
How about you?

9. Fallout: When and How to Protect Yourself Against It (1959)
The Creative Arts Studios

So, we go from the slickly produced CBS production before to another crappy animated instructional video, with spooky music and lost words when the film skips.
The fallout looks like dandruff in this animated sequence.
“Everybody needs to know. Yes, this does mean you!”
What do I need to know?
“What is this fallout anyhow?”
We all know what fallout is by now, I would hope.
I have to say, that cartoons here look like Dilbert’s grandfather did the animation.

What can you do?
Find the best shelter you can. The more solid substance you can put between you and the danger the better you are.

Fill your house with sandbags. Thick solid layers of books, magazines, newspapers, dead hookers, whatever.
Storm cellars are good for fallout shelters. S&M dungeons? Even better.
And yet again, they don’t tell you where you’re supposed to take a dump in the fallout shelter.

“If there are others with you help them by being as calm as you can and don’t be discouraged.”
But if you’re by yourself, it’s okay to cry.

Civil Defense 5 Steps to Safety
1. Warning Signals and what they mean
For instance, see this finger I’m holding up? It’s a warning.
2. Your community plan for emergency action
Is your local militia prepared for the end days?
3. Protection from radioactive fallout
Dig, dig, dig!
4. First aid and home emergency preparedness
Always know where your Geiger counter is.
5. Use of CONELRAD—640 or 1240 for official directions
Don’t worry about this one, CONELRAD doesn’t exist anymore, so if you tune into 640 or 1240 you’re more likely to run into some all-Tejano all the time station, which might not be a bad way of dealing with fallout.

10. Radiological Defense (1961)
The Office of Civil and Defense Mobilization
“This is a Radiological Defense operations room…”
And in the RADEF room? Teletype machines – why do I even know what those things are?

The gravity of the Cold War nuclear threat (one which we still live with now, even if it’s no longer as seemingly urgent as it used to be) comes home with this exercise.

You can laugh at the phrase “5 megatons – Paducah” or you can think long and hard about it. A 5MT explosion in Paducah isn’t just a bad day for Paducah, it’s a bad day for anyone in the entire region around Paducah.
A large-scale attack will send up fallout that will cover 2/3 of the country in a day. That’s a shitty ass day. And this is a scary ass film.
The situation room map is interesting as they plot the areas hit in this demonstration.
They show what would happen if a 10MT bomb hit St. Louis. Within 24 hours the fallout has gone through Terre Haute and landed in Wheeling, WV, wreaking havoc everywhere in between.
Residual radiation is the danger of fallout, which is carried as high as 15 miles in the mushroom cloud.

RADEF, get to know it.
“But it takes action to fulfill this program…”
It takes action to fulfill any program.
“Informed officials at all levels of government…must understand the RADEF program…if we are to survive…”
You mean bureaucrats? I thought government was the problem. Shouldn’t we just privatize RADEF?

“Our efforts now to build a workable radiological defense will pay off richly by helping to deter aggression and by saving countless lives if nuclear attack should come.”

11. The Challenge of Ideas (1961)
This film was made for military personnel, to let them know what the heck they’re doing out in the world.
Americans are overseas to preserve the peace.
1,000,000 are already abroad and soon you will be joining them, but why? Why don’t we let the narrators tell you why…

Holy Good Night and Good Luck! It’s Edward R. Murrow, talking about the conflict between the Free World and the Communist world.

“Over the years as the strength and determination of the Free World has gradually convinced Communist leaders that aggressive war would be a reckless and costly gamble they have begun to talk more and more about their ability to win from us in the arena of ideas.
This, of course, is fine with us, for we are a people with a traditionally great faith in our ideas, the ideas that have moved mountains and created wealth and shaped us as free men and we are confident that history can do no other than award us the victory in any contest in which ideas are the weapons. But I would like to say this, confidence by itself without effort does not win contests.”

It is a conflict of values and ideals. See, we’re not going to fight Communism by invading and occupying countries, we’re going to do it by being Americans, by helping people and selling them things and buying things from them…and occasionally sponsoring coups or separatist movements, because that’s what we do, because we’re Americans. But don’t just take my word for it. Here’s another speaker.

Holy Sands of Iwo Jima! It’s John Wayne smoking a cigarette and quoting Abraham Lincoln.
And after that he goes on a riff of his own.

“As a people we are active and often noisy. We are industrious, oftentimes to the bafflement of ourselves and our friends. We relax as hard as we work. We are proud. We are sentimental. Beauty is of national concern to us…”

And what is beautiful, other than the swimsuit portion of a beauty pageant?
It’s an Old West graveyard where we express our national sense of humor:
Here Lies Lester Moore Four Slugs from a 44 No Les No More.
It’s a Soldiers and Sailors Talent show with a Marine trio singing “Rock Around the Clock.”
It’s “a life of dignity and nobility of spirit.”

And what are we fighting against?
The Communist Man: A creature not of God, but of the state, shopping in his State Store, going out for a night of entertainment at the Hammer and Sickle Ballet, and staying in sick from work the next day thanks to his State Health Insurance.

“What we oppose fundamentally is the aggressive nature of the Communist State, its unceasing effort to expand wherever it can, to grow bigger, to take over, to supplant. This deadly impulse toward aggression we oppose as a continual threat to peace.”

A map of the world divided into white for free world, black for the communist world, and the grey world, the uncommitted nations.
“Our own policy towards them has been watchful, non-intrusive.”
You had me until “non-intrusive.” Because, see, this film is made 8 years after that spinning newspaper about the coup in Iran, and it’s in the same year that we sponsored any of a number of assassinations and coups and attempted coups and counter-revolutions, some of them well-meaning, some of them downright dirty. Sorry, Eddy, sorry Duke, but for the grey world, sometimes we’re just the lesser of two devils.

But let’s see how the Red Devil operates.
These are the spheres of operation for the Communists:
Political
Economic
Ideological

On the Political front we are treated to the history of the Communist Coup in Czechoslovakia in 1948. This was a nasty bit of business that included a mysterious defenestration.
Then we go to some great footage from Budapest in 1956 as the Russians move in to crush Imre Nagy and the anti-Soviet Hungarian Revolution.
We also get some footage from the Berlin Workers uprising of 1953.
Meanwhile we see the Commmunist Party of France HQ and a riot showing just how disruptive these Soviet stooge leftists are in the Free World.

Now we get Frank McGee to tell us about economic methods. Blah, blah, blah.

So, what to we do? We form a network of alliances of the free countries.
NATO, SEATO, ANZUS, and RIO as well as the NAACP, the ASPCA and the RIAA/MPAA.

Here’s what we believe in:
Respect for the Sanctity of Human Life
(Unless it’s in the line of fire when we’re trying to save them from an evil ideology.)
The Right to Freedom of Speech, of Conscience and Religion
(Give or take a certain kind of speech, inconvenient conscience and religions we don’t approve of)
Of Opinion and Belief
(See above)
The Right of Every Man to Work and receive his just reward
(And the Right of Every Business to reap profits commensurate with their capital investment)
The Right of Family
The Right of Parents to their children and their education

And how does International Communism intend to screw us over?
Ideological Penetration
Ewwwww!

The star-studded cast continues:
Lowell Thomas: “To be sure, the right to remain uninformed remains one of the privileges of a democracy…”

And now, famous Hollywood actress Helen Hayes speaks to posterity (that would be us):
“The home is the wellspring of the strongest qualities of citizenship…”
And that’s why homeless people suck.

Alright, I have to say that this was a truly historic experience. And, despite some gripes, I have to say that I can’t argue with the values presented here. The reality may always be different, but that doesn’t mean we should in any way repudiate the values we want to have.


12. Information Program within Public Shelters (1963)
The Department of Civil Defense/Army Pictorial Center

This film is like a dull version of the Twilight Zone where they forgot to put in a real story and their version of Rod Serling is not nearly as clever as the real Rod Serling.
Is that a poor man’s Karl Malden in the Shelter? I don’t know who the actor is, but he does look like a poor man’s Karl Malden.
This film is all about how we have to work as a team to form new communities in the shelter (hopefully relatively temporary communities) and some of the predictable trouble areas of interaction. It’s like 12 Angry Men but with some women and there’s a nuclear attack going on. The point is that there’s an official Civil Defense method of dispensing information within shelters and that you should pay attention and heed the rules. You got that? Good.
Okay, I’m edging back towards stir crazy again. Let’s move on to the next film.

13. Town of the Times (1963)

This is another dramatized film (in living color!) about how it’s important for communities to build shelters. See, someone finally figured out that an attack was as likely to happen in the middle of a work day as it would at night, so that your home shelter would be useless during the day. That’s why we need shelters at work and school and in public places. So, this is a film about trying to work out community solutions and building dual use shelter spaces in schools, like underground cafetoriums and such things.
(I’ve been to several campuses that feature these, and they’re an idea that could use a new life.)

So, you’d think this would be a dull film, but I have to say that the infomercial aspect of it is far outweighed by the combination of the moral crisis at the center of it (a town council member who is steadfastly against spending money on a project like this, until he is brought around to the idea with much anguish) and, of course the appearance of Ralph Meeker as insurance salesman and shelter proponent George McCardle. Ralph Meeker? That’s Mickey Spillane’s Mike Hammer from Robert Aldrich’s Kiss Me Deadly. Now I really feel like this set was worth the price of admission.

Ralph Meeker sells insurance. He’s a school trustee. But what his town really needs is a public fallout shelter. Everyone faces resistance from William Albemarle Groves (Larry gates), the councilman who doesn’t agree with the idea of building a community shelter because of other things that could be purchased with the money. (Or maybe we can hand out tax cuts.)
But Meeker gets him by drawing an analogy with purchasing insurance for traveling on a plane as he attempts to do later. (Frankly, it borders on blackmail…)
And the town agrees to have a shelter/cafeteria in the schools.
This is the last of the really good films in this set. For a long-form PSA this is pretty entertaining and they even sold me on building a fallout shelter.

14. About Fallout (1963)
Department of Defense Office of Civil Defense

Let’s have a day at the beach! You know what’s at the beach? Radiation!
“Radiation is something we live with every day.”
No!

“There were flaming fireballs in space—we call them…stars and there are millions upon millions of them.”
Flaming Fireballs in Space? That’s awesome!

There is some nice artwork in this film, but I’m now beyond my Atomic Second Wind (or Second Atomic Wind) and starting to go a bit Atom Crazy.

15. Occupying a Public Shelter (1965)
The US Army and The Office of Civil Defense

At last, we’ve reached the end of this long journey. It’s 1965 and we’re once again being herded into a public shelter and given a series of rules and suggestions for behavior in a shelter. Why, we might even be able to get free Pilates instruction in the shelter here in Rowse-Manse Country Corner.

I’ll have to admit, the color film here is a visual treat after so much black and white and washed out color stock. The smorgasbord of characters in the shelter is worth a glance or two, but you might want to skip out on a couple of other hours of fallout advice to see this one instead of having it be the last few minutes of umpteen hours of Atomic Testing videos. In short, I feel like I’ve gotten a spoonful of Cold War Concentrate and I’m going to need to decompress somehow before I get the Atomic Age Bends.
So long, Atomic Testing. I won’t miss your videos any time soon. I leave you to posterity to periodically review for a good scare and (hopefully) a chuckle or two.

Bonus Feature: Poster Gallery
This is a crappy gallery. Not much to see here.